“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”

Day 56:

I need to keep reminding myself that despite the bizarre situation we are all currently living in, it's not all doom and gloom and there's always time for mucking about and having a good chuckle. Being in a relationship with someone that not only accepts my insanity but also encourages it and adds their own  bit of madness in too really does make all the difference. I'm feeling pretty loved up today.

"Your smile it makes me weak, And the red spreads to my cheeks"

"Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success"

I love everything about home-ed but one of the things that really makes a huge difference is not feeling restricted when heading out adventuring. Some days we have most of our work finished by 10am, some evenings we are out till late stargazing, it's nice to not have that 'its too late to be thinking about going out, its a school night' mentality. So when we decided at 4:30ish on a Sunday to take a drive to Lake Vyrnwy for a bit of a stomp and have some fun while the sun comes down, there really was nothing holding us back.

Lake Vyrnwy has always been one of those places that I like to go to reset. If things have been a little stressful and my mind is wandering it just seems to even me out. Opeie hadn't had the greatest week so a little adventuring was just what he needed. As you drive up the hill to the dam and reach the opening of trees the view of the water gushing through is always a satisfying start to the visit and it was lovely being able to share that with the newest addition to out happy little family.

There seemed to be a few people along the dam as we drove across which I was really surprised at but by the time we had parked up everyone seemed to have vanished and it was almost as if we had the whole area to ourselves. The walk about the sculpture park was so peaceful, I seem to zone out from the noise from the dam until we are standing right at the bottom of it. The first part of the walk had already chilled Opeie out and he was back to his usual self pretty quick.

These kind of adventures that we have during the week are great for the soul, but there is always an educational element to the visits too. Opeie picks up a lot through experience and he asks a lot of questions along the way. The animals that we spot, fungi, structures, and everything that we are taking in around us is for me what education is all about. When we google the areas we visit for more information Opeie gets to learn random facts about the area too. We had no idea that the lake is actually a reservoir, supplying water to Liverpool 68miles away.

With the sun starting to drop and us quickly losing light we made our way over to the waterfall. This part of Lake Vyrnwy has always been a really satisfying part of any visit. The 20 minute walk from the carpark to the fall is really peaceful and the surroundings are idyllic. By the time we reached the Rhiwargor Waterfall it was all about the slipping our shoes off and submerging them in the cold fresh water.

I try and fill most days with at least a little bit of crazy, its important not to get swept away in the often mundane routine of life and sometimes those random moments can be the difference between going to bed anxious or going to sleep relaxed. As the sun had well and truly departed and with there being no light pollution at the lake, it was pitch black. We pulled up at the bathroom and all slipped into onesies for the drive home. We all had a good chuckle making our way back to the car wondering what someone might say seeing Pikachu, Stitch and a skeleton emerge from the gents toilet. 

It was the perfect way to spend a Sunday evening, great surroundings, great people and a calm, happy head space to take home to bed.

"There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time."

Pretty much every night I lay next to Opeie after reading to him thinking 'I'm going to write a post tonight' and every night I head downstairs, lie on the sofa and get overwhelmed by the mass of emotions that seem to stop me doing anything that I enjoy recently. If you've got this far into your life and you've not been faced with the reality that life, at times, can be an absolute arsehole, then you are doing pretty well. I've had my fair share of utter crap throughout my many years on this earth, some (not many though) I take full responsibility for, but the bulk of it has been thrown at me by the unpleasant people I have met while navigating through this storm of a life.

I had however thought that 8 years ago that had all ended and that my life was on track for the celebration of love and kindness that I felt like I deserved. Sadly I should have known better. When you finally meet 'the one' (and for me it was the one that I wanted to start a family with), It feels different than than any other previous relationship. For me, this was the rest of my life and I can honestly say that I put everything I have into developing that into a relationship I could be proud of. Unfortunately, there were two people in that relationship and only one was really putting in the effort when it came to matters of the heart.

When you are in a relationship with someone that holds their career in higher regard than anything else then there is only one direction that relationship is going in. I shouldn't have been surprised when I heard those heartbreaking words because there was a 3 year build up to that point, but then hope can be a very dangerous thing. And I did hope that she would see that her actions were destroying the magic we had built in the early years and that there is more to life than climbing the career ladder.

I wanted this blog to be a happy place for the boys to look back on and see all of the amazing things that we have done together and I hope that it still can be. I felt that it was important to write this post though, not only to mark where life changed for us all but also to break down the wall of negativity I had built, stopping me from doing the things I love most. The last 4 months have been a real learning curve, There have been more tears than I think I have ever cried, thoughts and feelings I thought I would never have and I've ended up really losing myself in all of it. 

If there is one huge thing I have learnt from all of this though it's that I have the most amazing group of friends that I could ever ask for. Not only for being there for me but also being amazing support for the two most important people in my life. The love, kindness and effort of all of them (and you know who you are) has got me through what could have been my lowest point. Life can seriously throw you about at times and I'm not expecting this new life as a single dad to be easy, but honestly, aside from the upset and confusion, so far it has been more fun than I've had in a long long time.

The boys and I have a whole new life ahead of us and I plan on embracing every moment I have with them, Its time to claim our lives back, there is so much fun to be had.

'In a Heartbeat'

I'm not one for sharing videos on the blog unless I am writting about Opeie's music tastes but Mrs M sent me this video and I had to share. It seems that even though we are in 2017 I still hear negative comments about homosexuality weekly which can be really difficult to explain to the boys if they overhear as they have been brought up in the correct way, knowing that we fall in love with whoever we fall in love with and gender, race and all those other ridiculous things that hold some people back mean nothing. We live in an age where we should be able to embrace these things and it is great to see that short movies like this are being made to help children understand that they can be in love with whoever they choose. The world would be an even more interesting place if our hearts could physically do the hard work for us.

There is real power in video! watch it peeps!

"It's an ongoing joy being a dad."

Opeie gets more and more adorable each week. When he was a baby I loved the way he would smile at me and reach out to touch my face. When he learned to talk, the words 'I Love you Daddy' hit me like a crazy wave of emotions (and still do). Now that he can write himself, his latest addition to his adorableness, is leaving me little notes about. I had hoped it for so many years, but I never actually realised that being a dad would be this amazing. I feel so lucky every day

 

"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."

I hate talking about politics, it really does bring out the worst in people but with all the rubbish that has been going on lately like voters getting their knickers in a twist because elections haven't gone their way and the rise of racist propaganda portrayed in the media, there has never been a better time to have a long play/discussion with Opeie about diversity. Opeie asks the usual questions that a 5-year-old would ask while taking in his surroundings. "Why do people have different coloured skin?", "Why has that lady only got one leg", "Daddy why have you got tattoo's and piercings?". The answer is simple, we are all different.

Someone came up with a great idea about making a globe out of LEGO, to learn about different countries and nationalities, which would have been awesome. This, however, would have taken weeks to do and while we were talking about the 'people are different' subject I wanted to cover all kinds of people while playing. We decided to make a park for a variety of characters to have fun in and while I quickly knocked up a quick basic park, I asked Opeie if he could make different kinds of people and families. I was just about to type that Opeie had done a great job of being diverse when recently reviewing the LEGO City - Town fun in the park kit, but then I realised that if you bring your child up knowing everyone is different and respecting people for who they are then this way of thinking for them is just the norm.

When Opeie is playing with his Minifigures and roleplaying there is nearly always same sex couples. He has always been taught that people can fall in love with whoever they please, that men fall in love with men and women with women as much as men and women, again this is the norm. So when adding these families into his games he is simply doing what he feels is natural. The one thing that sticks out for me when I am watching Opeie play is just how much 'Love' comes into everything he does. I thought it was really cute when he found a gold LEGO ring and had a lady proposing to her girlfriend.

Opeie informed me that it is okay for nan's to be in love too and rightly so. There is not a single ounce of prejudice in that little cutie.

Last week we all lay on our bed and watched youtube videos of the paralympic wheelchair tennis and we were all mesmerised by it. I was shocked to see the wheelchair being moved so quickly and was genuinely impressed by the skill and power involved in the game.  The videos really had an impact on the boys which was great and got them asking lots of questions. Opeie asked if I could help him build a paralympic tennis player for his park and of course I was more than happy to oblige.

Opeie is a big fan of the Mohican which got us talking about people that choose to stand out from the crowd, altering the way they look with eye-catching hairstyles/colours, tattoo's, piercings and quirky clothing. This is always going to be something the boys understand because of the childhood I had growing up. I wore some crazy things over the years and was covered in piercings and its only been the last few years that I have started to be a little tamer. Because of this Opeie made some great alternative people for his park.

'Love' continued flowing through his creation and a little bit of generosity inevitably came out in the build too. We had a discussion this week after finding a mobile phone on the floor while out scooting at the beach. Opeie proudly handed the phone into the parks reception and I told him that we should all try and do at least one good deed a day. It is something I have done for a while now and something that hopefully I will instil in the boys. There was no surprise that in Opeie's park a kind lady was giving some money to a homeless man. I asked Opeie why he had made each person the way he had and he told me that this lady was a Man that preferred to be a lady (which stemmed from a conversation we had ahead a few weeks back).

I was so proud of how Opeie approached this play session and it made me realise that I are doing a great job of bringing Opeie up with an open mind in a world that still isn't quite moving in the right direction. I just hope that things are a little less dramatic for the boys when they are adults. whatever happens though they will always have Love!

"A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams."

It doesn't matter how many times I see this, it will never stop my heart melting. Thats all I need to say really, the picture says it all.

"Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time."

Day two of LEGO series 14 monsters and meeting the right person can be difficult no matter what plane of existence you are on...

'The product was provided by LEGO GmbH without any obligation in regards to the content of the review’

"If you worried about falling off the bike, you'd never get on."

There are so many great milestones growing up as a child and as a parent, being able to experience each one is priceless. your child's first steps, words, tooth are moments that you will never forget and being able to watch them develop, while maturing as an adult yourself is (for me) beautiful. These amazing moments don't seem to end and if you are an active parent who gives your child the love and attention they deserve you can be right there with them as they make discoveries of the things they are capable of. 

as these amazing children get older and start to realise more just how awesome they are and whats going on, when there make these findings the pride that they feel themselves is really infectious and if you've been there to help them get to that point the excitement and pride in yourself as a parent can be euphoric.

I was lucky enough last week to experience this from both of the boys and it left me feeling like a pretty awesome dad (but then having two amazing children makes me feel like that most days). Opeie had completely thrown me earlier in the week when he tackled a rock climbing wall, despite me thinking there was no chance he would even give it a chance (i feel pretty guilty for that now). 

Later in the week though it was Seth's turn and again i didn't expect the ask to work out so easily. He came home from school the week before excited about a cycling class at school that was coming up and how he had signed himself up. He told us all about it and said it sounds like lots of fun, the only issue was that he hadn't asked to go on his bike for quite sometime due to finding it difficult to ride with stabilisers on. Seth had made it clear the last time he had his bike out that he was frustrated that he was struggling and because of his muscle condition we didn't want to push him.

So we aggree'd that last Sunday was going to be our 'Teach Seth to learn to ride his bike afternoon', We got his bike out of the shed and i took the stabilisers off straight away, there was no point beating around the bush, he wanted to ride his bike properly and his determination was enough to know not to pussy foot about, he meant business. I think Seth had got it in to his head that the whole learning to ride a bike thing was going to take weeks but as i walked along the road with him holding his coat to steady him i could feel that he was shifting his weight to balance himself and i just let go. We'd been out roughly 3 minutes and he was peddling a bike without stabilisers.

 (I used to stick my tongue out when i was concentrating too, clearly it was helping him balance)

So cycling in a straight line was a doddle! the turn at the end of the road however was not and he quickly lost his footing and fell. Luckily i had been jogging along behind him and caught him before hitting the floor. There's no time for thinking about what went wrong, best to just get back on and try again. That turn caused problems for at least 8 or 9 attempts but eventually Seth nailed it. A quick pat on the back and hair ruffle and i send him on his way to turn in the opposite direction (he would never get anywhere if he could only turn right).

Seth clearly couldn't believe what was happening, his happy little face had a smile from ear to ear (even if his tongue was hanging out concentrating).Watching him ride about knowing it was me that got him there as well as his determination was a great feeling but the hug i got afterwards and the 'thank you so much for teaching me how to ride my bike and helping me, i love you' just makes all this parenting worth while. When your children really look up to you there is no better feeling.

I'm looking forward to the boys next big venture whatever it may be.

"Sometimes you are catapulted in to the world of parenting, skipping the baby years and are faced straight away with a confused toddler"

Because Seth isn't with us all the time the blog features Opeie so much more. I never wanted it to be that way but it just seems to be the way its gone. Seth is such a huge part of my life and i will always see him as my first son. I wrote this post a few weeks back when i was thinking about everything we have been through together as a family... enjoy.

The bond between parent and child is one that is very special and something that is grown and nurtured from birth. If you fully embrace it it will flourish from day one and keep growing indefinitely. As romantic as this ideal sounds though, Sometimes like my own experience you are catapulted in to the world of parenting, skipping the baby years and are faced straight away with a confused toddler wondering who you are.  I first met Seth at the age of three, i had been seeing Mrs M for a couple of months and she had made the important decision to hold off introducing me until our relationship was something serious.

I fell in love with him that very first meeting and as i picked up his toy box with him sitting in it and began to fly him around the room i knew instantly there was a special connection and that things were going to be great. I had craved a family from the age of around 16 but i was creeping up to 30 before meeting the one. Our time together was (and still is) filled with laughter and fun and as the months went by mine and Seth's relationship blossomed. For months i viewed him as Laura's son but some amazing news the day after my 30th birthday, set in to motion a relationship i wasn't expecting.

I was going to be a dad, and have a child that in all tense and purposes was mine, that was an extremely exiting thought and something i had always dreamed of. The smiles and excitement soon turned to worry and upset though and as Seth's beautiful mom fell very ill and spent many weeks in hospital. To say it turned our world around was an understatement, but despite the hardships and the emotional roller coaster, it turned out to be an amazing thing for mine and Seth's father/son relationship and it shaped the love and affection we have for each other today.

The events of our pregnancy pushed me to drop out of university and i also left work as i had to look after Seth, this was uncommon ground for me and i wont lie, for someone who had spent most of his life looking after only himself this was frightening. Any money we had saved had soon gone, i wasn't driving at that point so travel costs back and forth to a hospital over 20 miles away had eaten up everything. Things got so tough that it got to the point where me and Seth were waking up in the morning, walking almost 2 miles to the train station, avoiding the ticket guy for the 20 miles of the journey and then walking almost 2 1/2 miles from the station to the hospital, every day. Some days we would arrive for the morning visiting slot and hang around the hospital until 9pm. It was heartbreaking seeing Mrs M suffering but we were there for her, as a family. It opened my eyes to how parenting should be, the effort i put in to keeping Seth's mind away from the more serious issues that we're unfolding was exhausting, we built a base in a weeping willow on the hospital grounds, we went on adventures between visiting slots, we read books and lay on the grass for hours telling stories. As much as i was doing everything i could for him he was unknowingly doing just as much for me and was keeping me grounded.

Thankfully those months passed, our youngest arrived, despite even more drama (but that's another story) and Mrs M gradually got back to full health, but that lesson in parenting never went away and that same amount of effort and attention is today how i spend my days taking care of both of my boys. Sometimes its the hardships in life that get you where you need to be emotionally and bring out a side of you that can sometimes be buried deep. I'll never forget the story of how mine and my step sons relationship grew and how much we relied on each other to get us through a pretty dark time. I will always view Seth as my first child and thanks to Mrs M i have now been lucky enough to be given the chance to fully embrace this side of me and become a stay at home dad.

I may not have had the baby years with Seth but the experiences we have shared together since that special day that we met has more than made up for that and the tough times we shared together have built a relationship that is fit for any doting father.

"Your heaviest artillery will be your will to live. Keep that big gun going."

having two young children, me and Mrs M never get to do anything together. We have not been out in almost 5 years which is a little crazy when I think about it. Over the last month or so though the boys have been taken out a few times by Laura's folks and sister and they have had so much fun, making me and Mrs M realise we need to occasionally do things for ourselves. It is important to do things as a couple every now and again. I feel lucky that our relationship is so solid. Had it not have been i can imagine the stresses of not having that 'us time' could become quite a strain.

While we were at auntie Lottie's cottage on boxing day I was asked whether I was interested in going clay pigeon shooting, having never fired a gun I jumped at the chance and Mrs M seemed game too so a few days later Lottie and Opeie hung out while me and Mrs M donned some Harris Tweed and went on a mission up to their friends farm to meet up with Lottie's chap Aaron and our friend Aub.

Mrs M didn't like the look or sound of the gun but eventually intrigue got the better of her and she was soon shooting at the sky. Her face was priceless when she hit one of the disks.

I'm not much of a mans man and was convinced I was going to miss them all and expected everyone to have a chuckle at me but i managed to hit a few and the boys were great in showing us how to use the guns etc. We were only out for an hour or so but it was lots of fun and was really lovely doing something with Mrs M and not having to worry about the boys. Saying that though Seth would have loved to sit and watch from a safe spot, maybe next time.

Me and Mrs M have got a few plans for some things to do together and we are lucky to have some great family and friends to spend time with the boys so we can fully embrace our 'us time'.

"Whatever good things we build end up building us."

LEGO!!!! It is an addiction that i have been rubbing off on to my children for many years. Not a week goes by that we don't wander in to our local Smyths store looking for new products. The Series Minifigures are a huge thing with us, one of the main reasons for me is the cost, as a parent you have so many outgoings that its not always possible to have much of a disposable income for things like toys and games (although i would happily spend every spare penny we had on LEGO but Shhhhh.....)

We completely missed series 1 of LEGO's collaboration with Cartoon Network the Mixels range and I'm kicking myself now. Mixels are perfect pocket money priced kits that are fantastic for either adding to your expanding LEGO collection or a great way to kick start the addiction that follows once you start building with this cult status building product.

Changing the subject completely (don't worry i'll find my way back). One of the things i love about visiting Mrs M's parents is how much they get involved with the boys. When we go to see them within minutes they are down on the floor playing so i tend to take a step back as its really nice to watch them building a great relationship. Today i decided to take the Frosticons tribe from LEGO Mixels series 2 with me knowing that Grandad loves building things and i left him and Opeie to a fun bit of LEGO creating.

It wasn't long before things moved to the table so that they could really get stuck in. LEGO has been such an important factor in the great relationship i have built with the boys. When we sit down to build we are a team and together we come up with some great ideas so seeing Opeie building with Grandad was lovely to watch. Grandad was really getting in to the building too which was fab, i think we'll have to gradually move him up to bigger creations it would be great to have a big family build.

 The Mixels are really great mini kits and i think in comparison to the minifigures you get a lot more LEGO for your money. From a custom builders view these kits are great for interesting new mini pieces that you don't get in other kits. The teeth and eyes used on some of the Mixels have been great new parts that we didn't already have in our ever expanding collection of bricks and have given me a great idea for a future Mixels post that we will work on over the next few weeks. 

The fact that the three kits from the same tribe (Flexers, Fang Gang and Frosticons) can be combined to make an uber Mixel is a great addition to building. Before getting these and even though i am a HUGE LEGO fan i failed to do my homework and i hadn't even realised they were a collaboration with Cartoon Network or that there was a cartoon to accompany the kits (very clever on their part as i imagine its really boosting sales). As with many of LEGO's product themes there is the Calling  all Mixels app released to run along side the products release. Its another great way to make the most of these interesting LEGO kits.

Thanks to LEGO today was another great chance for Opeie to spend some quality time with his ever doting grandparents.

Celebrating Mama's Day the Gifts From The Pirates way

Although today is a really happy day I still get a little sad this time of year due to a bad relationship with my own Mom. When i was very little i wasn't really interested in Mother's or Father's Day, I even remember moaning to my sisters once that there should be a son and daughter day. Now I've got older I have realised that it wasn't just me being a selfish little shit but more that neither my Mom or my Dad made much of an effort with the others big day and if they did i honestly don't remember it? Which really just showed how unhappy they both were. I may not have my own mom in my life but i feel very lucky to have Mrs M's Mom, She more than makes up for what i am missing and i know she really loves me, Mrs M and the boys.

Mothers day is really important in our house because... well Mrs M is AMAZING. She really looks after all of us, not just the boys. Plus with everything that she went through during Opeie's pregnancy, treating her like a princess on Mother's day is the least we can do as a family to say thank you for being around (not that she's not treated like a princess every day). Mrs M puts everything she has in to the development of our boys, I think we're a great team. We have the same parenting views and I think that's really important when you have children plus (and it does help) we are so in love with each other and I have so much respect for her.

  Opeie is too young at the moment but I think i have explained to Seth how important the day is. He gets really excited so I know he understands. We've had sneaky half hours here and there over the last few weeks to prepare for the big event and the boys have been their usual creative selves. Seth decided that he wanted to make a card and create a canvas with all the things Mrs M loves. This included Giraffes, Miffy, Elf (the movie),Katy Perry, Trees,  Make Up, Singing, Orla Kiely, Rod Campbell, Flowers, Yankee candles and of course the four of us...

Opeie decided that he wanted his to be a reminder to Mommy of all the things he loves... well Spider-man to be precise...

What i loved most about this year was that Seth had some surprises of his own that even I didn't know about, Seth had obviously been busy at school and had brought home some things that he had made, wrapped and hidden in his school bag. Mrs M was very touched by the decoration he had made and the Certificate for 'Best Mom Award', It's quite an achievment but we all knew eventually she would get some serious recognition for it.

I'll leave you with Mrs M now as she wants to finish off this post and I'll excitedly but patiently wait for the next 3 months and 6 days (you know what I'm talking about).

I've had SUCH a lovely day! Yay for Mother's Day! My boys have made me some lovely things, bought me some lovely books, and drawn me some cute cards! Mother's day is such a lovely day, not just for myself, or my own Mom... I like to thank all Mother lovers, especially Midwives, Doulas, and other lovely people. Being a Mom is the best thing in the world, ever- creating a lovely family, full of lovely memories. The boys make me laugh so much, Seth, Opeie and Pauly 33.3% equally!

Seth said to me today " I'm not having a day off anymore, yesterday I had Tae Kwan Do, and had to tidy my room, and today I've had to do numeracy, I'm more exhausted when I'm at home than when I'm at school, I need a Holiday!"

Last night right before bed, Opeie counted to 10 by himself, without any prompting from us, and then looked so proud of himself. He then did some funny talking!

And Pauly, well, where do I start? We have the same humor, and be laugh all the time. I'm so lucky. He puts up with my crazy dancing in the midnight hours, and doesn't take the micky. I could sit and write all night about our crazy humor, and silly things we get upto. 

Being a Mom to my boys is lovely, I 'spose I kind of Mother Pauly too, as his Mother is a waste of space and hasn't been much of a Mom to him. However I don't mind, being a Mother to three is lovely, even if their combined age is 41.