"Insomnia is a vertiginous lucidity that can convert paradise itself into a place of torture."

Day 87:

Life is really starting to get me down, It seems like the only thing I can get right these days is being a dad, which to be fair is a pretty good job as I love that kid to bits. It doesn't look like I'm going to be sleeping tonight as my head is so busy and I'm struggling to clear the noise, so I decided to paint, because it's one of the few things that seems to calm me these days. I'm so thankful for this creative brain of mine, I feel like I'd be a wreck without it.

Struggling to sleep yourself? Heres some handy information from Snoozy Monk about insomnia to get you through.

"It's an ongoing joy being a dad."

Opeie gets more and more adorable each week. When he was a baby I loved the way he would smile at me and reach out to touch my face. When he learned to talk, the words 'I Love you Daddy' hit me like a crazy wave of emotions (and still do). Now that he can write himself, his latest addition to his adorableness, is leaving me little notes about. I had hoped it for so many years, but I never actually realised that being a dad would be this amazing. I feel so lucky every day

 

"Being a father, being a friend, those are the things that make me feel successful."

I'm not usually a fan of being woken up early in the morning before I'm ready to get out of bed. For the last 6 and a half years though it has pretty much become the norm. Becoming a father means giving up many of the luxuries that you become quite accustomed to over the years, which doesn't sound great, but what you get in its place is a sense of purpose and an unconditional love that you could never get anywhere else. Becoming a dad for me was my defining moment, and from that moment I felt like my life had finally started and everything about this new path was glowing.

Every day feels like fathers day to me and being the stay at home parent makes me feel like that even more. Yesterday as I was woken by the usual "Daaaaaaad" it seemed like the start of every other amazing family morning but this time, there was an extra pitch of excitement in Opeie's voice and he wanted me awake right away because he had something very important he wanted to give me. Walking through the house and seeing colourful decorations everywhere and handmade cards are going to make any doting father feel very special.

Yesterday as always was a great day and that amazing little boy of mine that fills my world with complete happiness yet again reinforced the importance of having a loving and caring family around me. It was a shame that Seth wasn't there too but we have more than made up for it after school today by starting a new project so we can spend some quality creative time together. 

The only thing that did get me a little down yesterday was thinking about my own dad and how disappointed I am that he let our relationship go the way that it did. We're on different paths now but I will always hope that he is happy. Becoming a parent isn't something you go into lightly, you have to make an enormous amount of effort every day to make sure your children develop in the happy and content way that they should. I can go to sleep every night knowing that I have done everything I can to show them how much I adore them both and how proud I am of the little gents they've become.

Happy belated fathers day to all you amazing dads out there!

"There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents, and only one for birthday presents, you know."

I'm not sure why but every time I have started to write this post about Opeie's birthday over the last two weeks I have drawn a blank. I honestly think that I'm in some kind of shock that he has already been around as long as he has and it has thrown a spanner in the works as far as writing has gone. It doesn't matter how many times you hear the words 'they grow up so fast' or 'they'll be a teenager before you know it!' nothing prepares you for just how fast the time with your child really does go by. The day he was born is so fresh in my mind and that look he gave me when I held him for the first time is permanently etched.

Becoming a dad completely changed my world, it took every thing I had thought about 'family' and turned it right on its head (for the better). After a pretty confusing upbringing from a family so wrapped up in themselves, I had got to my late 20's with no real value for family and now that I think about it that was pretty sad. Then Mrs M came along with Seth and put me back on the right path, a path I felt like I should have been on many years ago. When Opeie joined us our family felt complete and having him there really gave me purpose.

I get a little emotional around Opeie's birthday and I kind of feel like I'm not myself for a few days. I think its because in a way it does take me right back to all of the bad times that we were living with on the build up to his arrival. It was a tough pregnancy, physically for Mrs M and emotionally draining for me, watching the person I adored really suffering. All through the year I think about how lucky we are that Opeie is here and how much respect I have for our independent midwife Amanda who was there right by our sides through the entire pregnancy. Amanda not only made sure that Opeie was brought into this world safely but she also made me and Mrs M realise just how strong we are as a couple. 

I obviously didn't plan on Opeie's birthday post being so bleak but then there are a lot of emotional events surrounding his amazing day. 5 years old, I still cant believe it, although that time has gone fast we can happily say that we have filled those years with many amazing experiences for him and he is growing up to be a really amazing child. Not a day goes by where his dancing, skateboarding, amazing vocabulary and general glowing happiness doesn't blow my mind. There is always something he is doing or saying that is really special and as a dad I am completely smitten.

I too will pass on the message to any expecting parent that the parenting years (especially the early ones) really do go in to hyperdrive but I will always follow that with 'Embrace every parenting moment you have!.

Happy birthday Opeie x

"If you worried about falling off the bike, you'd never get on."

There are so many great milestones growing up as a child and as a parent, being able to experience each one is priceless. your child's first steps, words, tooth are moments that you will never forget and being able to watch them develop, while maturing as an adult yourself is (for me) beautiful. These amazing moments don't seem to end and if you are an active parent who gives your child the love and attention they deserve you can be right there with them as they make discoveries of the things they are capable of. 

as these amazing children get older and start to realise more just how awesome they are and whats going on, when there make these findings the pride that they feel themselves is really infectious and if you've been there to help them get to that point the excitement and pride in yourself as a parent can be euphoric.

I was lucky enough last week to experience this from both of the boys and it left me feeling like a pretty awesome dad (but then having two amazing children makes me feel like that most days). Opeie had completely thrown me earlier in the week when he tackled a rock climbing wall, despite me thinking there was no chance he would even give it a chance (i feel pretty guilty for that now). 

Later in the week though it was Seth's turn and again i didn't expect the ask to work out so easily. He came home from school the week before excited about a cycling class at school that was coming up and how he had signed himself up. He told us all about it and said it sounds like lots of fun, the only issue was that he hadn't asked to go on his bike for quite sometime due to finding it difficult to ride with stabilisers on. Seth had made it clear the last time he had his bike out that he was frustrated that he was struggling and because of his muscle condition we didn't want to push him.

So we aggree'd that last Sunday was going to be our 'Teach Seth to learn to ride his bike afternoon', We got his bike out of the shed and i took the stabilisers off straight away, there was no point beating around the bush, he wanted to ride his bike properly and his determination was enough to know not to pussy foot about, he meant business. I think Seth had got it in to his head that the whole learning to ride a bike thing was going to take weeks but as i walked along the road with him holding his coat to steady him i could feel that he was shifting his weight to balance himself and i just let go. We'd been out roughly 3 minutes and he was peddling a bike without stabilisers.

 (I used to stick my tongue out when i was concentrating too, clearly it was helping him balance)

So cycling in a straight line was a doddle! the turn at the end of the road however was not and he quickly lost his footing and fell. Luckily i had been jogging along behind him and caught him before hitting the floor. There's no time for thinking about what went wrong, best to just get back on and try again. That turn caused problems for at least 8 or 9 attempts but eventually Seth nailed it. A quick pat on the back and hair ruffle and i send him on his way to turn in the opposite direction (he would never get anywhere if he could only turn right).

Seth clearly couldn't believe what was happening, his happy little face had a smile from ear to ear (even if his tongue was hanging out concentrating).Watching him ride about knowing it was me that got him there as well as his determination was a great feeling but the hug i got afterwards and the 'thank you so much for teaching me how to ride my bike and helping me, i love you' just makes all this parenting worth while. When your children really look up to you there is no better feeling.

I'm looking forward to the boys next big venture whatever it may be.

"Sometimes you are catapulted in to the world of parenting, skipping the baby years and are faced straight away with a confused toddler"

Because Seth isn't with us all the time the blog features Opeie so much more. I never wanted it to be that way but it just seems to be the way its gone. Seth is such a huge part of my life and i will always see him as my first son. I wrote this post a few weeks back when i was thinking about everything we have been through together as a family... enjoy.

The bond between parent and child is one that is very special and something that is grown and nurtured from birth. If you fully embrace it it will flourish from day one and keep growing indefinitely. As romantic as this ideal sounds though, Sometimes like my own experience you are catapulted in to the world of parenting, skipping the baby years and are faced straight away with a confused toddler wondering who you are.  I first met Seth at the age of three, i had been seeing Mrs M for a couple of months and she had made the important decision to hold off introducing me until our relationship was something serious.

I fell in love with him that very first meeting and as i picked up his toy box with him sitting in it and began to fly him around the room i knew instantly there was a special connection and that things were going to be great. I had craved a family from the age of around 16 but i was creeping up to 30 before meeting the one. Our time together was (and still is) filled with laughter and fun and as the months went by mine and Seth's relationship blossomed. For months i viewed him as Laura's son but some amazing news the day after my 30th birthday, set in to motion a relationship i wasn't expecting.

I was going to be a dad, and have a child that in all tense and purposes was mine, that was an extremely exiting thought and something i had always dreamed of. The smiles and excitement soon turned to worry and upset though and as Seth's beautiful mom fell very ill and spent many weeks in hospital. To say it turned our world around was an understatement, but despite the hardships and the emotional roller coaster, it turned out to be an amazing thing for mine and Seth's father/son relationship and it shaped the love and affection we have for each other today.

The events of our pregnancy pushed me to drop out of university and i also left work as i had to look after Seth, this was uncommon ground for me and i wont lie, for someone who had spent most of his life looking after only himself this was frightening. Any money we had saved had soon gone, i wasn't driving at that point so travel costs back and forth to a hospital over 20 miles away had eaten up everything. Things got so tough that it got to the point where me and Seth were waking up in the morning, walking almost 2 miles to the train station, avoiding the ticket guy for the 20 miles of the journey and then walking almost 2 1/2 miles from the station to the hospital, every day. Some days we would arrive for the morning visiting slot and hang around the hospital until 9pm. It was heartbreaking seeing Mrs M suffering but we were there for her, as a family. It opened my eyes to how parenting should be, the effort i put in to keeping Seth's mind away from the more serious issues that we're unfolding was exhausting, we built a base in a weeping willow on the hospital grounds, we went on adventures between visiting slots, we read books and lay on the grass for hours telling stories. As much as i was doing everything i could for him he was unknowingly doing just as much for me and was keeping me grounded.

Thankfully those months passed, our youngest arrived, despite even more drama (but that's another story) and Mrs M gradually got back to full health, but that lesson in parenting never went away and that same amount of effort and attention is today how i spend my days taking care of both of my boys. Sometimes its the hardships in life that get you where you need to be emotionally and bring out a side of you that can sometimes be buried deep. I'll never forget the story of how mine and my step sons relationship grew and how much we relied on each other to get us through a pretty dark time. I will always view Seth as my first child and thanks to Mrs M i have now been lucky enough to be given the chance to fully embrace this side of me and become a stay at home dad.

I may not have had the baby years with Seth but the experiences we have shared together since that special day that we met has more than made up for that and the tough times we shared together have built a relationship that is fit for any doting father.

Feeling like I'd lost a limb...

It's 10:45am and I am parked up in the car on a miserable day feeling pretty miserable myself. People always say when you have children time flies by and when you don't have children you think 'yeah yeah'. Peoples comments though, no matter how often you hear them don't prepare you for your life moving in to warp speed. Ive been dreading this day for around a year and the build up to it has got harder and harder.

Today was Opeies Nursery trial day and was the first time we have left Opeie with someone else and it's heartbreaking. He's always been right at my side apart from one afternoon where I left him with our friend Chris for 20 minutes while I had something to do (I thought I was going to be sick the whole 20 minutes and couldn't stop shaking). Yes I know it probably sounds mental but he's such a huge part of me and being away from him really isn't a nice feeling.

We were really careful when choosing Opeie's nursery, we knew exactly what we didn't want and were lucky enough to find what we did early in our search, it didn't make this day any easier though. When I woke up this morning I felt a wreck. We packed his bag and got him ready and Opeie was in a very happy mood, completely unaware of where he was going.

We arrived at the nursery and as I expected the staff put me at ease. We chatted while Opeie played and he looked relaxed but sadly it was a completely different story for me as I was desperately trying to fight back the tears. There was a chance that when we left Opeie would panic and be really upset and although that thought was quite upsetting the thing that was worrying me more was him not being like that. I know that comment sounds awful and of course I don't ever want him to be upset but selfishly I'm worried about becoming obsolete and also the thought that we will be paying someone else to have fun with my best friend just doesn't seem right. 

I planned on staying at the nursery as long as I could but as I watched Opeie happily playing with the other children I decided I needed to just get a grip. I told him I was going and he gave me a kiss and said 'Okay' no questions asked. He's becoming so independent and it scares me, he'll be at school before we know it and then what will I do with myself?

I planned on sitting in the car for the 3 hours he was there without us but we had a text from the nursery saying he had been fine and had even happily gone to the loo himself so we headed home. The drive back felt so weird without him being in the back and when we got home we practically sat in silence on the sofa, what were we meant to do now? before we knew it though it was soon time for us to head back and get him and we couldn't wait. Our happy eco system was finally restored and although Opeie looked shattered he was happy and excited, telling us what he had been up to. Today was just a trial day but he'll start soon and I have no idea how I'll feel, but as Ive realised today its not all about me, its about my best friend who I have been smitten by since day one.

"There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed."

Do you ever have moments that question your own parenting? I know I'm a great dad, I think as a parent if you can't say that then there is something seriously wrong with your relationship with your children. Despite this there are times like last tonight when I question wether it should be me at home with the boys.

After picking Seth up from school we got home and did the usual messing about and general boy time playing that we do. Then it was tea time so I asked Seth to entertain Opeie while I started the food. Opeie as usual was very hyper because his brother was home. He came in the kitchen to see me and we had a cuddle and then he asked to get down so he could go and see his brother. He walked off and within 20 seconds there was screaming from the lounge. I dropped what I was doing and ran to the lounge to find Opeie lying on the floor and really distressed with blood in his mouth, my heart sank and I felt really sick. I picked him up to make sure he was Okay and asked Seth what happened, he had walked into the lounge door while drinking from a bottle and obviously cut the inside of his mouth also his top lip was really swollen. He was really shook up and every attempt I made to calm him down failed miserably.

This was the first time I had been at home alone with Opeie when he had hurt himself and I felt awful (was this my fault?). In previous situations when he has had an accident Mrs M has just got her goods out and he's had some milk instantly calming him down but unfortunately I am ill equipped for such situations rendering me the obsolete parent. So should I be the one that gets to be the stay at home parent?

Seems stupid now as I write this what was going through my head but it was almost like I felt like this one little accident was going to undo all of the great parenting I had worked so hard on prior to this event. I guess that some of it is down to some serious insecurities that I have but I feel like the fact that I'm at home with the boys instead of Mrs M I'd frowned up on by a lot of people so sometimes I feel like I am being watched more carefully (I know, the Ramblings of a crazy man right?). Mrs M knows what a great dad I am I always put them first so I shouldn't really be questioning that. And once I had calmed down a little and logic kicked back in I realised that you can't be watching your children 100% of the time it's virtually impossible, you just need to minimise the hazards around the house as a deterrent.

Well he didn't calm down properly for 40 minutes. It was clear what he wanted and as I said before I was unable to offer him those. But it was time to pick the boss up from work and as we got in the car i think he realised that and began to relax a little. As soon as Mrs M saw him she went into stress mode but gave him what he was after and he was a different boy. Some swelling went down soon after and the little stunt man was back to his almost usual self. Just goes to show there's nothing better than momma's produce. I guess i need to get used to these trips and falls, i can't stop them all and i think i need to come up with some new distraction tactics, either that or grow a pair of breasts!!

New friends and kind words...

I spend so much time writing about the boys, Mrs M, friends and all the nice people that we come in to contact with. These people are important to me and i love writing about the people outside of our family because the boys can look back at the posts and see who played a part in the fun that we have. Until last week i had never read a post written about us/me by someone else and in the space of a week giftsfromthepirates have appeared on two great blogs.

After meeting Em, Annie and Ezra last week, our new friends from snowingindoors.com, Em wrote a lovely post about us and what we got up to. I can see how Seth felt now when we were mentioned on the Batblog. It's so nice to know that we have friends out there that really enjoy knowing us, ill be honest after some of the things i have been through over the last few years i had given up on the idea of making new great friends but it just goes to show there are lovely people out there.

If you would like to read the post and are interested in the adventures of the snowingindoors family then click below...

Literally a Gift From the Pirates

 I love these photos taken by Em...

Then after writing a response to an article i read that upset me, my friend Alice from bigmilkthing wrote a beautiful post pegging me as some sort of parenting Guru, which was really nice. I'm not of course, but who doesn't like reading nice words about themselves. Its spurred us on to collaborate on a post which has the makings of quite a fun post for both Alice and her boys. So again, I'm really thankful for new friends.

The Link below (proud to be  a 'moron') is to Alice's lovely post and if your interested in reading more about the family behind bigmilkthing then be sure to check them out...

Proud to be a "Moron"

Thank you both for such great post's and i look forward to future adventures with you both xxx

 

Playing with your children... "unless you're a moron, why wouldn't you get bored?"

Nothing on the internet has made me angry until today, there's so much rubbish about to read but it can all be taken with a pinch of salt. I love writing the blog but I don't tend to sit on the computer for hours reading articles and posts that don't draw me in straight away. My friend Alice from bigmilkthing sent me this article and even though I'm a really laid back guy that doesn't let anything get to me, this made my blood boil and I am really disappointed that someone like parentdish would publish it. First the article:

(click the link below)

 

Why playing with your children can be (whisper it) a little bit boring

I was limited to 3000 characters in the comment box so I thought something like this needed to be put in to a post as it is relevant to blog and what I'm all about as a parent, so here is my (extended response).

When i found out me and my partner were expecting our first child I knew that I wanted my son to completely adore me, I mean what father wouldn't? i didn't have a great relationship with my own father growing up and I didn't want that for me and my children. I have a step son from my partners previous relationship who on a daily basis tells me that I am his best friend and am also his favourite person to play with, this isn't because he is shy and he doesn't have issues talking to other children, he is a very outgoing child.. This has nothing to do with me being a 'moron' and I'm not even sure what 'obsessed parents' is supposed to mean? 

 The problem isn't that your children are boring its that firstly most parents seem to have no idea how to talk or communicate at all to their children, you don't have to talk to them in baby talk or act like an idiot. Just talk to them like adults and if they don't understand what your saying then explain what you mean (sadly parents think their lives are to hectic for this level of commitment). The second major issue is that most parents have no imagination and rather than actually listen to what their children are talking about and get involved they would rather make a coffee, put their feet up and apparently watch Jeremy Kyle,  if what i hear on the school playground is anything to go by. 

Try and think back to when you were a child, what did you love to do? My eldest loves hearing stories about all the things I got up to growing up and these stories open up his own imagination. I used to love 'making bases' so how hard is it to take a couple of hours to make a base in the house with some sheets? Lego was a big thing for me when i was younger and I have introduced my boys to this and its something we do together when the weather isn't great and were stuck indoors. My boys love playing dress up and Ive been known to don a Captain America outfit and run around with them playing 'The Avengers', it puts a smile on their faces and if you don't want that as a parent then it says a lot about your parenting skills. 

All it takes is a little effort and some imagination. I play with my boys everyday which is why I started our blog giftsfromthepirates.com as a kind of online diary for them to look back on and also to show other parents that read the blog that spending time with your children is a never ending amount of fun. Your commitment to your children doesn't end at changing nappies, cooking food and bathing etc. I have a feeling that the article was written to make waves and get a response, I'm quite shocked that parentdish have posted such offensive material and to label a parent a moron for wanting to get involved in the development of their child is a ridiculous comment to make. 

Your children want to spend time with you, they want you to interact with them and take an interest in what they are doing, this may not always be the case, these could be the golden years in your time as a parent so you should be making the most of every spare minute you have with them. Yes you have many mundane things to do, we all do but if you communicate with your children and explain that sometimes adults have grown up things to take care of but you still take some time to give them the attention they deserve then they will understand and in time respect you for that. 

Too many parents that I come in to contact with seem to have gone in to the whole parenting thing half arsed. When you decide to have children it is a huge commitment, yes your going to have to watch Children's TV and play with toys but your making them happy, Isn't this the thing you want the most? a happy family and children that want to spend time with you? I cant believe that in the article there were so many ridiculous comments from apparent parents. I'll be honest i just feel sorry for the children as apparently "parts of the business of child-rearing are, frankly, dull.". I could go on and on but i feel that doing so would just make me more and more angry. I love and respect my children, I'm there when their happy, I'm there when their sad and I'm there if they want me to build them a hideout in the back garden and dress up like a super villain. Its all part of being a great parent.

I will agree with one part of the article though the "creaking knees" can be a pain.

Anyway rant over, I'm happy in the fact that I am putting everything I can it to my relationship with my boys.

Pauly (a doting, not obsessed parent)