Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Feeling like I'd lost a limb...


It's 10:45am and I am parked up in the car on a miserable day feeling pretty miserable myself. People always say when you have children time flies by and when you don't have children you think 'yeah yeah'. Peoples comments though, no matter how often you hear them don't prepare you for your life moving in to warp speed. Ive been dreading this day for around a year and the build up to it has got harder and harder.


Today was Opeies Nursery trial day and was the first time we have left Opeie with someone else and it's heartbreaking. He's always been right at our side apart from one afternoon where I left him with our friend Chris for 20 minutes while I dropped Mrs M somewhere (I thought I was going to be sick the whole 20 minutes and couldn't stop shaking). Yes I know it probably sounds mental but he's such a huge part of me and being away from him really isn't a nice feeling.


We were really careful when choosing Opeie's nursery, we knew exactly what we didn't want and were lucky enough to find what we did early in our search, it didn't make this day any easier though. When I woke up this morning I felt a wreck. We packed his bag and got him ready and Opeie was in a very happy mood, completely unaware of where he was going.



We arrived at the nursery and as I expected the staff put me at ease. We chatted while Opeie played and he looked relaxed but sadly it was a completely different story for me as i was desperately trying to fight back the tears. There was a chance that when we left Opeie would panic and be really upset and although that thought was quite upsetting the thing that was worrying me more was him not being like that. I know that comment sounds awful and of course i don't ever want him to be upset but selfishly I'm worried about becoming obsolete and also the thought that we will be paying someone else to have fun with my best friend just doesn't seem right. 


I planned on staying at the nursery as long as i could but as i watched Opeie happily playing with the other children i decided i needed to just get a grip. So i had a chat with Mrs M and said i would leave first so that both of us leaving together didn't seem to odd for him. I told him i was going and he gave me a kiss and said 'Okay' no questions asked. He's becoming so independent and it scares me, he'll be at school before we know it and then what will i do with myself?


I planned on sitting in the car for the 3 hours he was there without us but Mrs M needed the loo and we had a text from the nursery saying he had been fine and had even happily gone to the loo himself so we headed home. The drive back felt so weird without him being in the back and when we got home we practically sat in silence on the sofa, what were we meant to do now? before we knew it though it was soon time for us to head back and get him and we couldn't wait. Our happy eco system was finally restored and although Opeie looked shattered he was happy and excited, telling us what he had been up to. Today was just a trial day but he'll start soon and i have no idea how ill feel, but as Ive realised today its not all about me, its about my best friend who i have been smitten by since day one.





6 comments:

Rebecca Beesley said...

I hadn't seen those baby photos before - they are gorgeous! I know you don't need me to say this but part of being a great dad (which you totally are) is preparing them to be independent and it sounds like you have done an amazing job of that for Opeie. He is always going to need his dad but the relationship just changes a bit and you might find that him having a bit of time apart will make the time you spend together even more quality time and really extra special too. You have given him an incredible start in life - one that most parents would be envious of (and I'm pretty sure most other kids would love to come and live with you with all the amazing adventures you get up to). You must be really proud of him as well as missing him so much. xxx

GiftsFromThePirates said...

I really am proud of both of the boys, they are turning out great. My panic and upset is all down to my previous experiences and how my relationship is with my own family. I know i am the best dad i can possibly be for the boys and i will continue to put them first in everything i do. Its going to be a big shock the more independent Opeie gets but i know him going to nursery now is the right thing to do. I suppose im going to have to start finding ways to fill my time now. Thanks for your lovely message Rebecca, you always put a smile on y face when you leave a comment xxx

Em @ snowingindoors said...

I'm glad he had a good time, and the fact he was so cool about the whole affair proves what great parents you guys are. It is tough and horrible leaving them for the first time but I promise it does get easier, especially when you see how much fun they have at nursery (and eventually school)

Rebecca Beesley said...

After I left that message, I thought to myself that you probably want to punch me as I remember wanting to punch my friend when J first started school and she told me not to feel sad about it as that was our job as parents to guide our kids to independence. I just wanted to tell her to shut up as I wasn't ready for that yet. I felt like yelling 'he's only 4 - he's too young to be 'independent'!!! So I wouldn't have blamed you if you had been cross at me! xxx

GiftsFromThePirates said...

I can honestly say that there is nothing you could say that would make me want to 'punch you'. You are far to lovely. But you are right part of me does think 'hes to young to be independent' hes still and always will be my little baby. Sadly he reminds me daily that he doesnt need me for certain things anymore. Its heartbreaking but im just going to have to deal with it. god knows what ill be like when he starts school xx

GiftsFromThePirates said...

thanks for the comment Em, part of me doesnt want to get used to it. That sounds pretty selfish i know but thatll mean ive come to terms with the change and hes still my little baby. The going to nursery thing is going to be so much easier than him going to school, im dreading that. Its good to know ive got support from friends like you who have been through it though xx

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